Sunday, December 19, 2010

Ridiculous Thoughts

"Twister, oh, does anyone see through you? You're a twister, oh, an animal."

Like so many, my head is sometimes not a very pleasant place to be. Sometimes it becomes a snarling mass of rage, frustration, angst, and worst of all irrational fear. Worst, because the rational part of my brain KNOWS that these thoughts are not based on any kind of fact or logic. They are just there. You know the part that screams out lots of negative things about you that you are sure everyone you know must be thinking. That insecure maudlin part that lashes out with tooth and nail at even the most benign of events and convinces you that you are unworthy, unliked, and unlikable. Or the part that takes offense at things others say which may have little or nothing to do with you? Where you find yourself becoming a snarling beast full of thinly-veiled loathing and negativity. There is no rhyme or reason for when this will happen, I've spent the last several days surrounded by people both in reality and virtually who love and support me; however my brain is just in a place where it can not see those things. So what to do?

Well I'll hermit away for a bit. There'll be no twitter or facebook, because the LAST thing I want is turn into a blubbering sympathy suck or massive raging trog. I'll soothe my mind by unplugging it. It may be a week, it will probably be less, but I don't know. I'm not quiting either, nor making any 'statement' about where they should fit in my life. I just think if you aren't pleasant or at least interesting to be around you shouldn't force yourself on the innocent bystanders. I've reached a place where I may say something I'll truly regret later, so I will say nothing at all for a while. Please don't think this a ploy for atta-girls and words of praise, I just wanted you all to know why I will be a bit silent for a while.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Free Fall

Reading GoTreadGo's  blog today something just 'clicked' for me. It was exactly how I felt: "playing a tourist in a movie adaptation in the sequel of your life." Fall always seems to be a time of turmoil for me I feel disconnected, off-kilter, restless, a sense of  vertigo.
It may be a partial onset of seasonal affected disorder (s.a.d.), and it may just be a sense of loss. Loss of summer, loss of another year.
Each fall I itch for a change of scene, change of pace, change of plot, change of wardrobe.Still I find myself craving comfort and familiarity, the same books, the same food, the same activities each autumn. It is an unscratchable itch. Perhaps it is why these words have spoken to me since I first read them.

"For in those days as fall came on,
it felt as if the world and I were separating,
it could its way and I could go mine,
or I would have, had I known what my way was"
            -Robert Penn Warren All the King's Men

So, I will most likely keep reading through the Harry Potter books each October. Visiting the orchard. Making soups, stews, breads and treats. But I will change up the wardrobe. To quote my mother, "Boots, the one thing that makes fall and winter bearable"

Friday, September 10, 2010

The New Kid(s) in Town

"There's talk on the street, it's there to

Remind you, that it doesn't really matter
which side you're on.
You're walking away and they're talking behind you
They will never forget you 'til somebody new comes along
Where you been lately? There's a new kid in town"- 'New Kid in Town, The Eagles
I've been watching my two oldest boys over the past several weeks navigate the waters of being the 'new kids'. In our previous neighborhood there were very few kids that lived in our section, and even fewer that played outdoors, so their friendship forming skills, outside of structured play dates, were rusty.  I've watched with pride and awe as they took the initiative and trotted on their little legs over to the kids next door and introduced themselves. Their whole demeanor screamed 'Like me', 'please don't reject me'. I held my breath for them, wondering would they be accepted or spurned; because  as much as we as parents say that we just want our kids to be comfortable with who they are, we all secretly hope they aren't ostracized for it.  Now I have to fight to get them inside for meals, baths, etc. They have formed fast friends with the kids and spend every moment possible with them. I remember that ease of friendship where all that was necessary was a common location and a game of tag.  How soon that all changes.
I've discussed before how anti-social I am, the truth is I just don't like most people. I've never been particularly cheery or had a sunny disposition, what can I say some of us are just born to scoff, snark, and spew angst on the parade.  Don't get me wrong, I don't want to change that about myself. I wear the title 'smuggest bitch in the world' (thanks Mad Men) with pride.  It isn't that I think I am better than anyone else, it is just most of the time I can't be bothered to form the friendship.  I have my friends to whom I am fiercely loyal, and who are equally so to me. I'm always open to adding a new member into the fold, but I just am not very good at pursuing friendship. I love my 'twitter filter' that enables me to put myself out there and be my hateful self. 
When we decided to make our temporary move permanent it was to allow our sons a piece of the life we remembered so fondly. To give them a life in a small town with all of its charm and faults, to make a real life here in the community for them and ourselves. So now is the point where I decide how involved I want to be in my new old town. I am learning to balance the new life with the old life. I still want to be a part of Lexington community, but I know I cannot just sit back and watch in Paris either. I have to play a part in what happens, and it is just a matter of finding out where I am needed here. I know it will be a big adjustment learning to deal with the small town gossip again, I wasn't immune to it then so I certainly will not be now. Surely I can manage it with better grace at 31 than I did at 18. (Here's to hoping)  This is the part where I learn how to balance what I know with the unknown. Where I strike out against my anti-social tendencies to be a part of the community I once again call home. 

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Small Town Savoir Faire

It has been two months since we decided to move back to our hometown. While lots of things are going great over the past few weeks, I've noticed that my husband and I tend to stand out in the crowd.  This isn't really that new of a development when two clothes whores marry each other, you tend to be the ones who bring it at any social event. We are used to being what some might call over-dressed.  We are the ones that look a bit like we just stepped out of a JCrew catalogue when we attend our kids' soccer games. It is just who we are.  While in Lexington, we stood out at times but there were often times when we weren't the only ones.  Now, not so much. I do feel a bit like Eva Gabor in Green Acres, sticking out like a peacock in a chicken coop. There is a part of me that wonders if we should tone it down, maybe not show up at the kids' practice in a flirty summer dress and shiny ballet flats. Perhaps, not going to the grocery in 5 inch heels. But why should I?Should I work to blend in with the rest or stay true to myself? 
The fact is I worry about perception. I am not a stuck-up snob, well mostly I'm not. I do not want to put people off, but I see watering down my clothes as giving up part of myself.  So I am just going to learn to deal with the odd glances and the questions of 'Where are you heading?' 'Got someplace to be?' I'll keep the heels, the sparkle, the dresses, the pearls and the big accessories. I am still me, even in Paris.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Bring Back the Fabulous

For some time now I've been uncomfortable. Restless. Disconnected.  There are a myriad of factors contributing to this fact but the biggest is I HATE what I look like right now.
This is a picture of me at my birthday party 2 months ago, and while I was having a fabulous time drinking and eating amazing food prepared by friends who made sure that my birthday was special and that I knew I was loved. Unbeknownst to me I looked like this.
I can hear you universe, you're saying 'What? You look fine, what size ARE you? What are you complaining about?'  I know, I know. All I can say is we all have issues, this is mine.  IT also isn't all about the weight (though that is a big part of it), it is also the fact that I have been progressively going grey since age 16 thanks Dad. It's also what you cannot see, because while I'm a bit of an exhibitionist, I would NEVER put a naked pic up on the internet.  That dress is hiding a vast number of sins.  All the things that happen to a body of person who isn't prone to exercising who has 4 children in less than 6 years. 
So while this picture should be one of joy, of a person who is surrounded by people who love her and share her life with her. It just isn't.  All I can see is how chubby my face looks, how big my boobs are (a LONG standing problem), how wide my hips are, the way my thighs are sagging over my knees, the hint of bingo wings, the frizzy hair, etc. Also the fact that I am holding a beer in one hand and a cupcake in the other is both telling and sad to me.
So what do I want to look like? What do I wish I saw when I looked in the mirror? It isn't some unattainable supposed ideal. I don't expect to look like some cookie cutter version of what is supposed to pretty I just want to look like myself. Lately I just don't feel like I look like myself.
This is me at my wedding.  I know, who doesn't love what they look like at their wedding? (This is just the best pic I could find) I'll point out that I had already had 2 of the 4 kids when this picture was taken, and I wore a bikini on my honeymoon. I was happier with my body than I can ever remember being in my entire life.  In this picture all I see is how smooth my hair is, how great my arms look, I can see my collar bone, thin neck, tiny waist, and really small boobies! (Well really small when you used to wear an E cup size.)
What's a girl who has never really been on a diet or exercise plan and has had issues with food and weight in the past? You get yourself on the internet and bitch and whine. You resolve to do something about it. I realize that I can never look 25 again, I can recapture how I felt. I felt absolutely fabulous.
Lately I have felt more frumpy than fashionista. I want that part of me back. The part that doesn't pull on shirt hems, hide behind my children in pictures, schlump around in ill-fitting clothes and so often is still wearing maternity clothes, or who sometimes wants to break down and cry when she sets foot on a scale. That isn't me, I don't know who that girl is.
While this blog isn't going to turn into a weight loss blog (I just am not in a place where I could talk about my body on a daily basis) I do plan on letting you know how it goes. My plan is simply to eat less and move more and hope for the best right now. 

Saturday, September 4, 2010

There Goes the Fear Again

"And late last night

Makes up her mind

Another fight left behind

There goes the fear again

Let it go" - 'There Goes the Fear' The Doves

I've been called fearless more than once; and while I would love to claim it, but it just isn't true. I'm good at spouting my mouth off, I am great at fueling controversy. However, when it comes to talking about myself, I can only give the illusion of openness and putting myself out there.  The fact of the matter is, I am scared to death of sharing even the smallest parts of me. Kind of a hand-tying situation for someone with a blog. Especially this kind of blog that is just a random jumble of journaling. Want me to talk about some taboo subject? I'm your girl. Want me to tell you about my life, well if things are going well I can let you know. When tragedy strikes and then I clam up. I have to keep the facade, the funny snarky chic without real problems.
What do I fear? Judgement? Rejection? Ridicule? I'm not sure. Don't get me wrong, I still don't care if people like me, I just get all freaked out sharing personal details. I can give my opinion just not tell you what is going on in my life. I really admire friends like Jupiter who talks so poignantly and open about his life that it makes my heart ache. He inspires me to let go of my fears. I'd like this blog is an exorcise more than a exercise. A way to put myself out in uncharted territory and tell the world about me, about what is really going on in my life.  To throw off my own tendencies to curl up in a ball and rock back and forth while humming 'Put On a Happy Face' and looking for my toothpicks. (Believe me it's happened a fair few times)  I really want to tell you all (all nearly 20 of you) a little bit of what is going on in my little corner of life. 

Friday, September 3, 2010

I am expecting the cease and desist order any day now...

So if you follow me on twitter it is pretty evident that my adoration for Alan Rickman runs pretty deep. In fact, if you google TooMuchSexy Alan Rickman I am pretty sure all the entries are me talking about him. Unbelievably enough I am NOT his most rabid fan.  Though I keep track to make sure I don't cross the line  (and no having my husband dress up as Severus Snape for Halloween totally doesn't cross it) For years and years I have taken shit for making him my #1 choice on The List. Which when you pick a 45 year old Englishman w/ an  epic mullet when you're a 12 year old girl you sort of open yourself up to ridicule. So I was really thrilled when Dawn sent me a link this fabulous website enumerating the many reasons why he is hot (though I could name a few more like this where he TANGOS or this where he shows how hilarious and pretentious and British he can be.)    Finally, justification for my long time obsession celebrity crush. So yeah, I'm going to keep talking about Alan Rickman a whole lot, consider yourself warned.