For some time now I've been uncomfortable. Restless. Disconnected. There are a myriad of factors contributing to this fact but the biggest is I HATE what I look like right now.
This is a picture of me at my birthday party 2 months ago, and while I was having a fabulous time drinking and eating amazing food prepared by friends who made sure that my birthday was special and that I knew I was loved. Unbeknownst to me I looked like this.
I can hear you universe, you're saying 'What? You look fine, what size ARE you? What are you complaining about?' I know, I know. All I can say is we all have issues, this is mine. IT also isn't all about the weight (though that is a big part of it), it is also the fact that I have been progressively going grey since age 16 thanks Dad. It's also what you cannot see, because while I'm a bit of an exhibitionist, I would NEVER put a naked pic up on the internet. That dress is hiding a vast number of sins. All the things that happen to a body of person who isn't prone to exercising who has 4 children in less than 6 years.
So while this picture should be one of joy, of a person who is surrounded by people who love her and share her life with her. It just isn't. All I can see is how chubby my face looks, how big my boobs are (a LONG standing problem), how wide my hips are, the way my thighs are sagging over my knees, the hint of bingo wings, the frizzy hair, etc. Also the fact that I am holding a beer in one hand and a cupcake in the other is both telling and sad to me.
So what do I want to look like? What do I wish I saw when I looked in the mirror? It isn't some unattainable supposed ideal. I don't expect to look like some cookie cutter version of what is supposed to pretty I just want to look like myself. Lately I just don't feel like I look like myself.
This is me at my wedding. I know, who doesn't love what they look like at their wedding? (This is just the best pic I could find) I'll point out that I had already had 2 of the 4 kids when this picture was taken, and I wore a bikini on my honeymoon. I was happier with my body than I can ever remember being in my entire life. In this picture all I see is how smooth my hair is, how great my arms look, I can see my collar bone, thin neck, tiny waist, and really small boobies! (Well really small when you used to wear an E cup size.)
What's a girl who has never really been on a diet or exercise plan and has had issues with food and weight in the past? You get yourself on the internet and bitch and whine. You resolve to do something about it. I realize that I can never look 25 again, I can recapture how I felt. I felt absolutely fabulous.
Lately I have felt more frumpy than fashionista. I want that part of me back. The part that doesn't pull on shirt hems, hide behind my children in pictures, schlump around in ill-fitting clothes and so often is still wearing maternity clothes, or who sometimes wants to break down and cry when she sets foot on a scale. That isn't me, I don't know who that girl is.
While this blog isn't going to turn into a weight loss blog (I just am not in a place where I could talk about my body on a daily basis) I do plan on letting you know how it goes. My plan is simply to eat less and move more and hope for the best right now.