bluebelleinbluegrass

Ridiculous Thoughts

2010-12-19T04:44:00.001-05:00

"Twister, oh, does anyone see through you? You're a twister, oh, an animal."

Like so many, my head is sometimes not a very pleasant place to be. Sometimes it becomes a snarling mass of rage, frustration, angst, and worst of all irrational fear. Worst, because the rational part of my brain KNOWS that these thoughts are not based on any kind of fact or logic. They are just there. You know the part that screams out lots of negative things about you that you are sure everyone you know must be thinking. That insecure maudlin part that lashes out with tooth and nail at even the most benign of events and convinces you that you are unworthy, unliked, and unlikable. Or the part that takes offense at things others say which may have little or nothing to do with you? Where you find yourself becoming a snarling beast full of thinly-veiled loathing and negativity. There is no rhyme or reason for when this will happen, I've spent the last several days surrounded by people both in reality and virtually who love and support me; however my brain is just in a place where it can not see those things. So what to do?

Well I'll hermit away for a bit. There'll be no twitter or facebook, because the LAST thing I want is turn into a blubbering sympathy suck or massive raging trog. I'll soothe my mind by unplugging it. It may be a week, it will probably be less, but I don't know. I'm not quiting either, nor making any 'statement' about where they should fit in my life. I just think if you aren't pleasant or at least interesting to be around you shouldn't force yourself on the innocent bystanders. I've reached a place where I may say something I'll truly regret later, so I will say nothing at all for a while. Please don't think this a ploy for atta-girls and words of praise, I just wanted you all to know why I will be a bit silent for a while.

Free Fall

2010-09-14T22:36:00.001-04:00

Reading GoTreadGo's blog today something just 'clicked' for me. It was exactly how I felt: "playing a tourist in a movie adaptation in the sequel of your life." Fall always seems to be a time of turmoil for me I feel disconnected, off-kilter, restless, a sense of vertigo.
It may be a partial onset of seasonal affected disorder (s.a.d.), and it may just be a sense of loss. Loss of summer, loss of another year.
Each fall I itch for a change of scene, change of pace, change of plot, change of wardrobe.Still I find myself craving comfort and familiarity, the same books, the same food, the same activities each autumn. It is an unscratchable itch. Perhaps it is why these words have spoken to me since I first read them.

"For in those days as fall came on,
it felt as if the world and I were separating,
it could its way and I could go mine,
or I would have, had I known what my way was"
-Robert Penn Warren All the King's Men

So, I will most likely keep reading through the Harry Potter books each October. Visiting the orchard. Making soups, stews, breads and treats. But I will change up the wardrobe. To quote my mother, "Boots, the one thing that makes fall and winter bearable"

The New Kid(s) in Town

2010-09-10T20:48:00.000-04:00

"There's talk on the street, it's there to

Remind you, that it doesn't really matter
which side you're on.
You're walking away and they're talking behind you
They will never forget you 'til somebody new comes along
Where you been lately? There's a new kid in town"- 'New Kid in Town, The Eagles

I've been watching my two oldest boys over the past several weeks navigate the waters of being the 'new kids'. In our previous neighborhood there were very few kids that lived in our section, and even fewer that played outdoors, so their friendship forming skills, outside of structured play dates, were rusty. I've watched with pride and awe as they took the initiative and trotted on their little legs over to the kids next door and introduced themselves. Their whole demeanor screamed 'Like me', 'please don't reject me'. I held my breath for them, wondering would they be accepted or spurned; because as much as we as parents say that we just want our kids to be comfortable with who they are, we all secretly hope they aren't ostracized for it. Now I have to fight to get them inside for meals, baths, etc. They have formed fast friends with the kids and spend every moment possible with them. I remember that ease of friendship where all that was necessary was a common location and a game of tag. How soon that all changes.
I've discussed before how anti-social I am, the truth is I just don't like most people. I've never been particularly cheery or had a sunny disposition, what can I say some of us are just born to scoff, snark, and spew angst on the parade. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to change that about myself. I wear the title 'smuggest bitch in the world' (thanks Mad Men) with pride. It isn't that I think I am better than anyone else, it is just most of the time I can't be bothered to form the friendship. I have my friends to whom I am fiercely loyal, and who are equally so to me. I'm always open to adding a new member into the fold, but I just am not very good at pursuing friendship. I love my 'twitter filter' that enables me to put myself out there and be my ~~hateful~~ self.
When we decided to make our temporary move permanent it was to allow our sons a piece of the life we remembered so fondly. To give them a life in a small town with all of its charm and faults, to make a real life here in the community for them and ourselves. So now is the point where I decide how involved I want to be in my new old town. I am learning to balance the new life with the old life. I still want to be a part of Lexington community, but I know I cannot just sit back and watch in Paris either. I have to play a part in what happens, and it is just a matter of finding out where I am needed here. I know it will be a big adjustment learning to deal with the small town gossip again, I wasn't immune to it then so I certainly will not be now. Surely I can manage it with better grace at 31 than I did at 18. (Here's to hoping) This is the part where I learn how to balance what I know with the unknown. Where I strike out against my anti-social tendencies to be a part of the community I once again call home.

Small Town Savoir Faire

2010-09-08T23:34:00.003-04:00

It has been two months since we decided to move back to our hometown. While lots of things are going great over the past few weeks, I've noticed that my husband and I tend to stand out in the crowd. This isn't really that new of a development when two clothes whores marry each other, you tend to be the ones who bring it at any social event. We are used to being what some might call over-dressed. We are the ones that look a bit like we just stepped out of a JCrew catalogue when we attend our kids' soccer games. It is just who we are. While in Lexington, we stood out at times but there were often times when we weren't the only ones. Now, not so much. I do feel a bit like Eva Gabor in Green Acres, sticking out like a peacock in a chicken coop. There is a part of me that wonders if we should tone it down, maybe not show up at the kids' practice in a flirty summer dress and shiny ballet flats. Perhaps, not going to the grocery in 5 inch heels. But why should I?Should I work to blend in with the rest or stay true to myself?
The fact is I worry about perception. I am not a stuck-up snob, well mostly I'm not. I do not want to put people off, but I see watering down my clothes as giving up part of myself. So I am just going to learn to deal with the odd glances and the questions of 'Where are you heading?' 'Got someplace to be?' I'll keep the heels, the sparkle, the dresses, the pearls and the big accessories. I am still me, even in Paris.

Bring Back the Fabulous

2010-09-06T18:11:00.000-04:00

For some time now I've been uncomfortable. Restless. Disconnected. There are a myriad of factors contributing to this fact but the biggest is I HATE what I look like right now.

This is a picture of me at my birthday party 2 months ago, and while I was having a fabulous time drinking and eating amazing food prepared by friends who made sure that my birthday was special and that I knew I was loved. Unbeknownst to me I looked like this.

I can hear you universe, you're saying 'What? You look fine, what size ARE you? What are you complaining about?' I know, I know. All I can say is we all have issues, this is mine. IT also isn't all about the weight (though that is a big part of it), it is also the fact that I have been progressively going grey since age 16 thanks Dad. It's also what you cannot see, because while I'm a bit of an exhibitionist, I would NEVER put a naked pic up on the internet. That dress is hiding a vast number of sins. All the things that happen to a body of person who isn't prone to exercising who has 4 children in less than 6 years.

So while this picture should be one of joy, of a person who is surrounded by people who love her and share her life with her. It just isn't. All I can see is how chubby my face looks, how big my boobs are (a LONG standing problem), how wide my hips are, the way my thighs are sagging over my knees, the hint of bingo wings, the frizzy hair, etc. Also the fact that I am holding a beer in one hand and a cupcake in the other is both telling and sad to me.

So what do I want to look like? What do I wish I saw when I looked in the mirror? It isn't some unattainable supposed ideal. I don't expect to look like some cookie cutter version of what is supposed to pretty I just want to look like myself. Lately I just don't feel like I look like myself.

This is me at my wedding. I know, who doesn't love what they look like at their wedding? (This is just the best pic I could find) I'll point out that I had already had 2 of the 4 kids when this picture was taken, and I wore a bikini on my honeymoon. I was happier with my body than I can ever remember being in my entire life. In this picture all I see is how smooth my hair is, how great my arms look, I can see my collar bone, thin neck, tiny waist, and really small boobies! (Well really small when you used to wear an E cup size.)

What's a girl who has never really been on a diet or exercise plan and has had issues with food and weight in the past? ~~You get yourself on the internet and bitch and whine.~~ You resolve to do something about it. I realize that I can never look 25 again, I can recapture how I felt. I felt absolutely fabulous.

Lately I have felt more frumpy than fashionista. I want that part of me back. The part that doesn't pull on shirt hems, hide behind my children in pictures, schlump around in ill-fitting clothes and so often is still wearing maternity clothes, or who sometimes wants to break down and cry when she sets foot on a scale. That isn't me, I don't know who that girl is.

While this blog isn't going to turn into a weight loss blog (I just am not in a place where I could talk about my body on a daily basis) I do plan on letting you know how it goes. My plan is simply to eat less and move more and hope for the best right now.

There Goes the Fear Again

2010-09-04T22:36:00.000-04:00

"And late last night

Makes up her mind

Another fight left behind

There goes the fear again

Let it go" - 'There Goes the Fear' The Doves

I've been called fearless more than once; and while I would love to claim it, but it just isn't true. I'm good at spouting my mouth off, I am great at fueling controversy. However, when it comes to talking about myself, I can only give the illusion of openness and putting myself out there. The fact of the matter is, I am scared to death of sharing even the smallest parts of me. Kind of a hand-tying situation for someone with a blog. Especially this kind of blog that is just a random jumble of journaling. Want me to talk about some taboo subject? I'm your girl. Want me to tell you about my life, well if things are going well I can let you know. When tragedy strikes and then I clam up. I have to keep the facade, the funny snarky chic without real problems.
What do I fear? Judgement? Rejection? Ridicule? I'm not sure. Don't get me wrong, I still don't care if people like me, I just get all freaked out sharing personal details. I can give my opinion just not tell you what is going on in my life. I really admire friends like Jupiter who talks so poignantly and open about his life that it makes my heart ache. He inspires me to let go of my fears. I'd like this blog is an exorcise more than a exercise. A way to put myself out in uncharted territory and tell the world about me, about what is really going on in my life. To throw off my own tendencies to curl up in a ball and rock back and forth while humming 'Put On a Happy Face' and looking for my toothpicks. (Believe me it's happened a fair few times) I really want to tell you all (all nearly 20 of you) a little bit of what is going on in my little corner of life.

I am expecting the cease and desist order any day now...

2010-09-03T23:49:00.001-04:00

So if you follow me on twitter it is pretty evident that my adoration for Alan Rickman runs pretty deep. In fact, if you google TooMuchSexy Alan Rickman I am pretty sure all the entries are me talking about him. Unbelievably enough I am NOT his most rabid fan. Though I keep track to make sure I don't cross the line (and no having my husband dress up as Severus Snape for Halloween totally doesn't cross it) For years and years I have taken shit for making him my #1 choice on The List. Which when you pick a 45 year old Englishman w/ an epic mullet when you're a 12 year old girl you sort of open yourself up to ridicule. So I was really thrilled when Dawn sent me a link this fabulous website enumerating the many reasons why he is hot (though I could name a few more like this where he TANGOS or this where he shows how hilarious and pretentious and British he can be.) Finally, justification for my long time ~~obsession~~ celebrity crush. So yeah, I'm going to keep talking about Alan Rickman a whole lot, consider yourself warned.

Can you really ever go home again?

2010-09-01T22:07:00.001-04:00

   'Do you think about me now and then?
   Do you think about me now and then?
   Cause I'm coming home again...
   Maybe we can start again' -Kanye West "Homecoming"

Recently the husband and I made a BIG life altering decision, we decided to move home. We have spent the majority of our last nearly ten years together in Lexington, and we truly love it. We love the people, the stores, the LIFE of the place. What we haven't loved is our inability to find a house in our target area, we wanted out of Suburban Hell, but were really struggling for a way out of it. We also were unimpressed by the school system, it was fine just not what we were looking for, and with our myriad of children the private school education we craved just wasn't going to happen. We were really at a loss as to what to do. Stay in Stepford Ghetto Suburban Hell or make a change? Through happenstance we landed back in our hometown, what was thought of as a "temporary fix."
What we weren't expecting was to fall in love with our hometown all over again. With days to go before the school year, we made the choice to stay.
In the month since we made that choice life has been a swirl of activity. We have completely shifted our home search, enrolled our oldest in a new school and a new sports league, and have been learning what is new, what we still love, and what isn't the same.
All of this has inspired me to write, so I will be blogging our adventures of re-learning our hometown. I'll be finding the answer to the question, 'Can you ever really go home again?'

I guess we'll see.

The Four Rump-roasts of the Apocalypse

2010-07-19T16:09:00.000-04:00

It seems every where I turn someone else is talking about food. I once thought myself alone in my singular obsession. I grew up on the fringe of the middle class. I won't say we were poor, because I could always name at least 5-10 families in our small town who had less. Food was never in short supply nor was it in abundance. We ate, we never went hungry. I am the child of a single mother who watched from early on how my mother had to make some very hard choices when it cames to how the food budget was going to go. I knew that our budget was $60 a week and even in 1989 for a family of 3 that was not a lot. I never thought much about it though, it was just how things were. We were happy, we were well fed, and there were no food police then to hassle my mother about eating feed lot beef, HCFS injected sandwich bread, or to deride her choice of margarine vs. butter.
Flash forward to the present, I am a mother of 4 whose family subsists on a single income. I find myself making very similar hard choices only now I have the 'benefit' of knowing not only how my food choices effect my children's health but also that the rump roast I got on sale may just cause the methane cloud that will signal The Doomsday, poison the stream, and KILL US ALL. Really, I was just thinking of serving it over rice, but apparently I'm a one-woman Shiva out to destroy the earth.
Don't get me wrong, I am as conscious to the far-reaching environmental impact of my table as anyone I know. I've read all the books from Kingsolver to Pollan to Waters. I KNOW what the right choices are, and I've heard the 'don't tell me organic/local is too expensive when in 5 years we'll all die if you don't put that bottle of ketchup down and back away'. Believe me, I KNOW. The hard reality is organic is expensive and for a lot of families when it comes down to it the dollar has to be the bottom line.
So what does your average middle class family do when all seems bleak and like you'll never overcome your green guilt? There are some simple (and not so simple) things you can do.
1. Be aware of the problem, yes even that helps.
2. Grow something. You do not have to become a farmer just put out a tomato plant or grow some herbs. Nothing drastic, small steps.
3.Buy fewer packaged food items. Start small think about your pantry what is in there that you could do fresh and from scratch? Maybe you enjoy making homemade bread or pasta or maybe you have your great grandmother's chicken soup recipe that you can freeze. Every bit helps.
3.When you must buy packaged food items then fight the war on packaging. Avoid brands that use double wrappings because plastics contain corn and petroleum. Also, contact brands that use less packaging, let them know you appreciate what they do. Contact your favorite brands if they are guilty of over-packaging and let them know you are discontinuing your patronage due to their packaging.
4. Join a CSA (community supported agriculture) this is where you buy a share of a farmer's crop and in return a farmer gets his/her money up front for over-head. You benefit by knowing your dollars are going to the farmer down the road for local produce at an often discounted rate. Yes the sometimes $200 up front costs seems prohibitive however CSA shares usually go up for sale when most people are getting their tax-return money. Why not put a portion of yours toward that instead of new electronics?
5. Support a community garden. True your family may not benefit directly but when we solve the food problem for the poorest members of society we solve it for all of us.
6. Learn to cook. It isn't rocket science. Get a good basic cookbook like Martha Stewart's Cooking School, Bittman's How to Cook Everything, or The Joy of Cooking. Check them out from the library, buy them used, there is no need to put out a lot of cash for them. Also subscribe to a food-centric magazine, I personally recommend Everyday Food or Cooking Light. Keep at it, be relentless in your pursuit of food you will eat and enjoy.
7.Look into local options for meat. We all think nothing of trooping to the farmer's market for squash and melons, but many of us may assume that local meat is cost prohibitive. This is not necessarily the case. It might also be more economical to buy a half or a quarter of an animal and store the meat in your deep freeze. Maybe going in w/ other families to purchase a share and splitting the costs.
8. Go meatless as much as you feel you can/want to. Start w/ one day a week or one day every 2 weeks.
9. Do not buy into Organic guilt. Consider the carbon footprint of that organic watermelon you are eating in January compared to the conventionally farmed Broccoli from 1 state over in July. Also I completely disagree with Organic processed foods. How organic can a fruit roll-up be? Support organic when you can, but consider the food's total carbon impact first.
10. Eat in season. This is what I call the 'No tomatoes in January rule' simple enough.
11. If you are feeling really ambitious, learn to freeze and/or can. It's economical, environmentally friendly, and honestly tastes so much better.
12. PLAN. Do meal planning, weekend cooking, freezer meals, whatever works best for your family to keep you from making the easy fast choice when you are tired and hungry.
13. Support local food businesses. Instead of spending your $20+ at McDonald's spend at your local restaurant. Have a local candy, soda, potato chip? Buy those instead of major brands. 14. Write letters. Write your school board, your congressman, paper whoever you can. Tell them you want better. Tell them you demand more.
15.Finally, ease up on yourself. Make as many changes as you feel comfortable making. Do not let guilt overwhelm you into complacency. We are all doing the best we can.

I didn't drink the kool-aid

2010-04-11T21:57:00.000-04:00

So recently on the twitter I was a part of contingent that derided the Creative Cities Summit. What honestly started as a bit of a snarky joke and a way to evoke a bit of fun took on a life of it's own.
What started as #uncreatives and #uncreativelex has turned into me defending myself and my own small dissension.
From a purely outside perspective it all seemed rather trite and to quote my friend 'like a lot of self-help horse shit'. If you need to pay an outside consultant to tell you that 'people are born valuable'and that life lived a bit smaller can be meaningful then in my opinion you need more than a three day seminar to work that out.
90% of what I saw coming out of there was nothing more than name dropping and self-agrandizing. It seemed as though some felt that only those present had opinions at all, and were alone in their passion for this city. Obtuse. Trite.
My biggest disappointment came at who was not invited to the summit. My friend Dr.Nick Kouns already stated that without the presence of WRFL and Ace Weekly, two of our most valuable creative resources who've been doing the hard work of getting the word out and bringing people together for 20 years in the city it all seems a bit impotent. (He put it more eloquently than I over at his blog: http://www.nickydoc.net)
You'll hire outside consultants to tell you to value Lexington talent while you concurrently are ignoring Lexington creative talent. That rabbit hole runs deep. The thing that truly struck me was when I saw there was a discussion of the redevelopment of Cox Street parking lot. What? Cox Street parking is something that is used every single day by employees of Rupp Arena, Lexington Center Corporation, and others. It was stated that it should be 'something that could work around UK ballgames of course'. Like there was no other purpose for this space. This told me right there that this consultant knew NOTHING about Lexington, and the person tweeting knew NOTHING about Lexington. This is the content you get from outsiders. I could name at least a dozen sites in Lexington that need redevelopment but this consultant looked no further than out the window at a parking lot.
So when I tweet dissent, it isn't due to jealousy or misunderstanding, it is what I see as a lack of substance.
I have been told that there were a lot of valuable discussions to be had, I would state that don't be so obtuse as to think the same thing wasn't going on outside of the conference.
I have been repeatedly thanked for being so vocal against the Creative City Kool-aid, and I will continue to deride where I see something falling short of it's idealistic goals.
I do hope this brings about results and not more lip service. Lexington has real needs that can't be fretted away by a 3 day event. If they wanted to begin a discussion, they have done so, but don't attack those who may see what occurred differently.

Motormouth

2010-04-11T09:20:00.000-04:00

At age 3 I got my first nickname, Motormouth. It was bestowed upon me by the man who lived across the street from us, and it was/is well deserved. It seems I've never known when to sit down and shut up. I've always been the first to offer my opinion, even if it isn't requested.
As a child it branded me precocious, as an adult as a loud mouth bitch. I could wax on about things for hours, and at the age of 12 I got bit by the politico bug. The Presidential race of 1992 changed my view of the world and of myself. My opinions found a point and an outlet. My 12 year old self could decry the evils of Reaganomics with the best of them. I had found a place where my voice was heard.
I spent the rest of my adolescence building the reputation as one with strong opinions and with the facts and volume to back it up.
When I was 20 years old I dated a Republican. He was 'The Republican', I thought hey opposites attract, we'd be like Carville and Matalin. Boy was I wrong. When he decided we needed to split, these were his words 'I don't think I could get you to be quiet and I'd eventually like to run for office.' Ouch. It was really the first time I thought being opinionated was a bad thing. I had always received high praise for being a young woman who knew her own mind. So when he ran off and married the most quiet docile girl I knew of, I re-evaluated. I spent most of my 20s trying to tone it down. Gone were the foul mouthed rants, gone were the political opines, gone was the soap box, gone was me.
By 30 I didn't recognize myself anymore. My husband got to see me for who I am, but few others did. One day I'd had enough, I decided The Republican was wrong. Bar the door, because I have something to say. I will not keep quiet even when my opinion isn't popular. Because I've found mine may sound like the lone voice, but that is because I have volume. And now isn't the time to sit back and shut up.

Suburban Hell

2010-03-01T13:11:00.000-05:00

I am pretty vocal about my disdain for our current neighborhood. We live in an area of urban-sprawl made up of working class families. We moved into this area when my oldest son was just 3 years old. We were lured out of the south end of town 4 years ago by promises of lower maintenance new construction, closet space, and a two car garage. What we didn't realize then was what we were giving up. Right now I would trade all the square footage and walk-in closet for walkability and a neighborhood w/ a vibe. So we are embarking on THE SEARCH once again. We are house-hunting.
We know our target area and our family needs: within a downtown area limited to 3 elementary schools, need 3-4 bedrooms depending on the size of bedrooms, updated electric and plumbing, 2 bathrooms, either formal living and family room OR a semi-finished basement, a yard that will allow for a small garden/clothes line and still leave enough room to play for 3 small boys, a carport OR garage, oh and I want a kitchen that hasn't been TOUCHED by renovation because I don't want to pay the price that goes w/ the kitchen I want. I'll do that myself later. All at a reasonable price considering the market and area as factors. That doesn't SEEM like much but surprisingly we are having a difficult time finding THE ONE.
I often find myself daydreaming about life in the new house. Weeding my garden, hanging clothes on a line, laying in my chaise watching the boys play. Walks with my boys and husband to the grocery, park, or restaurants. Having honest to God TREES in the neighborhood. I NEVER daydream about the inside though, that would make the dream a wish and I don't wish. I plan and I make do.
So today kicks off our search in earnest, with our first tour. As much as I'd like this to be a one and done, I won't hold my breath. So I'll let you know how it all goes, hopefully in two months time I'll be writing this from my new home where I am about to plant my garden and hang my sheets out on a sunny day.

Not Today

2010-02-25T04:22:00.000-05:00

Most days are too busy. Filled with the everyday trappings of being a wife and a mother. Most days my heart and my mind are occupied with the husband and three little boys that make up my whole world.

Not today. Never today.

Today always starts and ends with tears. Today I am forced to think of all the things I am not doing.

Today I will not wake my child with happy birthday. I will not tuck a note in a lunch box. I'll not be sending a favorite cupcake flavor to school to be shared with classmates. I won't be making a favorite dinner tonight. I've no birthday party to plan.

But today he is eight, or should be. He is the child that I never heard cry. Never called me Mommy. Never walked. Never ran. Never fought his brothers. Never hugged his sister. Never took a breath. And in all the nevers, he changed me forever.

So today isn't busy. Today is not enough. Today is for what never was. Today is why I try to explain to people that still born is Still Born. Today is me having to explain I have four children. Today is too quiet. Today is for James.

"So goodnight, you moonlight ladies, rock-a-bye Sweet Baby James;deep greens and blues are the colours I choose, won't you let me go down in my dreams, and rock-a-bye Sweet Baby James"

Gold Model

2010-02-19T11:27:00.000-05:00

“I don’t think there should be one role model all kids try to live after,”- Johnny Weir

As a mother to three small boys I think I pay a lot more attention than I normally would to the roles of athletes and the media. Because regardless of what Charles Barkley claimed, athletes ARE role models.
In a culture that is ever dominated by scandal (as I type this Tiger Woods is making an apology to his fans over things that should really only matter to his wife.) I am proud of athletes like Johnny Weir.
You read that correctly. Yes, Johnny Weir is the kind of athlete I would be happy for any of my sons to emulate. Why? Because he is not the vanilla cookie-cutter version of what we expect a male athlete to be. He is controversial, but he is always himself. Isn't that what we try to teach our children? To be true to themselves and do their best? Well Weir does that and in doing so flies in the face of convention. I think for too long children who were not conventional themselves have had no one to look to and identify with. Isn't that what a role model truly is? Someone we see ourselves in whom we wish to emulate? As a mom, I look and see that Weir lives a life in a spotlight and a firestorm over who he is and does so with equal parts grace and snark. His "scandals" are not due to the drug use and womanizing that dominate our culture of scandal. They are based on him being himself even when it means he may not end up as his sport's poster boy.
What if my sons don't see themselves in the Sean Whites, Lebron Jameses, or Johnny Damons of the world? What if they see themselves in Weir with his glitter and glamour? I would be happy knowing they had chosen wisely. Who wouldn't want their child to see themselves as someone who knows who they are and lives each day being themselves? I could think of worse things for my children to want to be.

The Lovin' Spoonful

2010-02-14T22:37:00.000-05:00

I want to start off by talking about my Worst Valentine's Day Ever. I was a newlywed college senior, just 21 years old, and married to the Ex-Husband.I won't go into all the details, but the day started off bad and ended up with me sending the first in a series of marriage-wrecking emails to The Ex (boyfriend) and even going on a dinner date with some OTHER guy who was admittedly completely wrong for me, but a nice distraction at the time. That was the beginning of the end for both my first marriage and my love of Valentine's Day.

Today marked the first time I have celebrated this day of love in several years. Being from Tha South we celebrated with food. It was the second installment of potLuck brunch at my friend Miss Ace's house. The menu included soup by Chef Tom (that I described as a hug in a bowl), meatballs, lasagna, red beans & rice, Israeli Couscous salad, Tortilla Espanola con Sofrito, my own Love(ly Red Velvet) Cupcakes and the best Hurricanes I have EVER had by our mixologist Jupe. Any day that starts off with me slamming back copious amounts of SoCo and orange juice cannot be bad.

I got to join in on conversations discussing the finer points of our state education model, the changing ethics of journalism in an age of youtube and social media, and the refined use of ejaculate as hair product. All the while listening to a music mix that included Chris Isaak, Johnny Cash, AND Missing Persons by Doctor Nick. We ate and drank to our heart's content and then I broke out the bowl of remaining icing and some of my favorite people surrounded it with spoons in hand.Because nothing says love quite like French Buttercream.
At one moment in the day I just took a look around me and realized I was surrounded by love. I was in a room full of people whom I love and for some unknown reason love me too. It is with great joy that I celebrate not just Valentine's Day with them, but love in all its quirky forms.

Bitter, Party of Two

2010-02-07T19:32:00.000-05:00

So tonight I attended a Super Bowl Party at my sister in law's where the other couple in attendance are not only our Ex-Friends but are currently getting divorced. That's right folks they were BOTH there. I assumed that we would be subjected to one or the other and perhaps get some good bitter one-sided gossip. But alas that was not to be instead I got a front row seat to the bitterness floor show at The Most Awkward Party Ever.
First off, maybe I'm wrong but don't you have to divide the friends in the divorce along with the CDs, books, and tupperware? If so I pick neither.
These former friends were once like family so when they suddenly decided to inform us that we were materialistic and "had different priorities", I was both heartbroken and completely taken by surprise. This friendship break-up sent me into a tail-spin and made me a complete hermit for over a year. I constantly questioned how all of this was my fault since everyone adores my husband.
Recently we found out that the Ex-friends were getting divorced. While everyone else has reacted with shock and some sadness, my reaction was two-part publicly I said, "Well, I saw that coming" And to my husband later, "guess we did have different priorities, like we want to stay married and they don't."
This co-party going trend just seems to be the latest in the long list of entitlement behaviors they indulged in as a couple such as getting married during a major holiday and having their child's first birthday party on Mother's Day. So tonight I sat there with my Ex-friends and texted and Twittered with my new soon-to-be old friends who informed me I was a fabulous Diva and helped me to deal with the awkwardness and ignore the still tender sting of being friend dumped. They embrace me and all of my quirks and have helped me come so far in healing some not-too-old wounds. I love them dearly and realized again tonight how extremely lucky I am to call them my friends.

The Anti-Social Butterfly (My Love Affair with Twitter)

2010-01-10T19:02:00.000-05:00

The simple truth is: I hate people. The worst part about that is no one ever believes me when I say that. I get the "Oh sure you do" or worse "Well you like me don't you?". To my credit, unlike in my early 20s, now I just sit mute when I hear this instead of telling the truth and saying, "Eh, not so much." It is not that I think I am any better than anyone else, quite the contrary. This is why I tell people up front that I don't like most people. It establishes the fact that I am by nature a surly hateful bitch. And who wants to hang-out with that?
As a stay-at-home-mom my social interaction is more limited. I revel in the fact that, for the most part, I can pick and choose who I speak to and who I don't. This has effectively made me even worse as most days I only speak to my husband and he HAS to love me so it throws off my social equilibrium.
Counter to this is I really enjoy being out and about and being socially active. So I brave it knowing I will step on people's toes. I will say the wrong thing, the hateful thing, the inappropriate thing. I am infamous for it. I am loud, brash, crude and often times socially unacceptable.
When twitter came along it was a godsend. I often refer to it as Social Networking for the Anti-Social. It offered me a certain level of anonymity to interact with other people at arm's length. I could hide behind my handle and say what I truly felt and think without worrying about what anyone would think or feel about it. I could throw off the conventions of being a "mommy" and "wife" in suburbia and connect with people over politics, fashion, life and the inane. I could "talk" again as myself without worry of being ostracized. The best part of it all is I have made genuine real life friends from it. I know that when these people met me they already "knew" me a bit. They know I am snarky and surly and like to say the F word, A LOT.
It hasn't gone smoothly at all times, as there are still people out there who I will inevitably hurt, tick off, offend. However, those that I have made the leap from Twitter Friend to Facebook Friend to Actual Friend with have brought this misanthropic butterfly out of her cocoon. They are now the people I share my real life with.
The greatest compliment I got was when one of these twitter to Real Life friends said, "Yes, but you're OUR hateful bitch." Then I knew I had found my people.

"redefine"

2010-01-02T14:37:00.000-05:00

So in an act of utter pretension, I decided to not only create a Vision Board (more on that in a later post) but also to choose a word of the year. Neither of these things constitute a resolution per se. It is not like I am going out to purchase a thousand dollar treadmill that I will eventually find buried under clothing when I decide to reorganize. No, I just want to take advantage of the fact that I have a virtually empty calendar in front of me.
What word did I choose? The word of 2010 is "redefine". I have found myself in a rut over the last few years, and while this started to change in the last 6 months, I want to carry that into the new year.
I hope for 2010 to be the year I live into who I see myself as. We all have that inner persona and I want mine to shine through more this year.
There will be more upcoming posts on how I am redefining: my self, my family, my life. And how I am working to help redefine the place I love.
Admittedly it is a lofty and intangible goal. Then again I have always be undefinable, so living into a redefine is just the next step.

We'll drink a cup of kindess yet

2010-01-01T21:16:00.000-05:00

Today, the husband and I attended The Best Brunch Ever. It was a wonderful synthesis of food, friends, drinks, conversation, and even the genteel wafting of musical strains in the background. It was house magic as everything combined to create an atmosphere of joy.

I was fortunate enough to not only be invited but be asked to prepare food for people who's pallates, quite frankly intimidate me. I was asked to prepare a specific dish though, which lessened my anxiety quite a bit. My preperation of Spalding's Doughnut Bread Pudding was highly anticipated and luckily met expectations. The other menu items were an eclectic mix of the most heavenly food imaginable. One single guest said she would even build an entire wedding around one of the foodstuffs.

But even as fabulous as the food was (and really there are not words) the best part of the day was the conversation. It was an intimate enough party that everyone got to talk to each other with the majority of the time spent swapping stories. There was a wonderful combination of people and our only tangible connection was to the hostess. But as we sat there chatting we all found ourselves acting as the oldest of friends laughing, sharing, and even all rousing to bitch about "that crazy bitch Ann Coulter". (My only regret was than one of my newest favorite people Jupiter was too ill to attend.)

They say that how you spend your New Year's Day is a preview for how the remainder of the year will go. I hope and pray this is the case. I could think of worse ways to spend my life than surrounded by wonderful new friends, eating wonderful food, sharing a moment of pure happiness.

2010-01-01T21:00:00.000-05:00

So I started this little blog and then like so many of my grand plans it just sat there untended. I saw it as a shameful thing and often heard (very good natured) ribbing from well-meaning friends who said that I should just write.
I know sometimes it seems that I suffer from the over-share. You will know more about me in the first hour of meeting me than you will probably ever want or need to know. This combined with the fact that I am very active on The Twitter leads me to feel like what else is there to say? But with the New Year I hope to have more to say on here I am going to try and take a leaf out of my friend ACE's book and post every single day. Please hold me to it.

Who is bluebelle?

2009-05-04T00:26:00.001-04:00

Who is this bluebelle? Native Kentuckian, history buff, certifiable geek, environmentalist (i.e. recycling nazi), local enthusiast, displaced small town girl with big ideas, foodie, aspiring gourmet, book lover, conqueror of the testosterone jungle, idealist, part-time fashionista, sahm (who doesn't quite know how I ended up as that but is happy with the choice), music fanatic, internet addict, insomniac, wicked step-mother, sometimes hermit, caffeine aficionado, child of the 80s, yuppie/hippie hybrid, reformed vegetarian, former college spokes model, frustrated writer, and champion of the underdog.

I have been a Kentuckian for nearly 30 years, and in that time I have lots of chances to leave, but like Dorothy and her fabulous shoes, there is no like place like home for me.

I love everything about Kentucky: her food, products, and businesses; her authors, artists, and artisans; her travel opportunities, politics (even when they are driving me mad), and unique local culture; her many events, her stories, her land, and especially her people. Most specifically I love my home, the bluegrass region. I want people to see that we are more than 859 (UKY), more than "The Thoroughbred Capitol of the World," more than Keeneland, more than horses and booze. (Though all of those things are great too!)